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From A Simple Guide........

Not wanting to is reason enough.

A client asked me recently how to say NO. This led to a discussion about boundaries and various other things. One of her biggest concerns was how to explain her answer of NO. She shared she believed that to say NO meant she had to say why she was saying NO and she couldn't figure out exactly how to explain her desired answer of NO without making up some untruth which she strongly did not want to do. Here's where WOW # 4 comes in. I'm not advocating rudeness, but neither am I advocating the position that in order to say NO you must justify your answer. NO needs no justification. She seemed to get my point, but at the same time, was very reticent to say the actual word NO. She then asked a very good question: "If I don't say No, what DO I say instead so that I don’t end up saying Yes?" So, I made a few suggestions: 1." I choose not to do that." 2. "I wouldn't be able to do that." 3. "I believe I'll pass on that." 4. "That doesn't work for me right now, but maybe another time" (only if this is true). Then I encouraged her to come up with other responses on her own. She did a great job. Sometimes we just need to see how something can be done. Sometimes we just need to see that it can actually BE done, too.
Understanding that you are truly free to honor the fact that is true for you, (i.e., "I don't want to do that because I don't want to do that") and sharing that with another in a kind, yet firm manner, is absolutely one of the great markers of being an adult. It's also one of the Top Ten Things Most Guaranteed to Irritate Someone. Why? Because all the times we said Yes, even when we wanted to say No made life easier for others. And, others are usually not too happy about losing that. This is one of the main reasons that it's so important not to explain as you move toward saying No when you really want to say No in your life. When you explain why you're saying No, it opens the door for someone to very cleverly come up with reasons why your explanation really doesn't hold water. Take a look at this example: Your neighbor asks you to pick up her kids from soccer practice when you go to pick up your daughter. You don't want to do this for a variety of very good reasons, among them being that her kids are the spawns of Satan. Rather than say NO (using one of the ways discussed previously), you say something like "I can't do that because I promised my daughter I'd take her out to eat at her favorite place after practice to celebrate her decision to become the first woman president of the United States." Then what happens? Your completely clueless, I-have-never-read-Social-Intelligence-by-Daniel-Goleman neighbor says this: "Oh, that's perfect. I just knew it would all work out. Damian and Lucifer just love that restaurant! They can go with you and then you can drop them off at the house after dinner. I should be back from shopping by then." As she pushes the button to roll up the window in your dropped-jaw face and prepares to drive away, you hear her saying to herself, "Oh, isn't it wonderful how things always work out so perfectly!" What really cuts your gut is that you know she's not talking about things working out wonderfully for you. Now what happens? The next thing you know, you're doing what you didn't want to do. Next feeling? Most likely you will find yourself feeling resentment or anger or maybe even rage, not only at the other person, but also at yourself.
Remember that some people want you to explain decisions you have made because it gives them the power to evaluate the O.K.'ness of your decisions. For these people, hearing you say "Because I just don't want to" will absolutely drive them crazy. Be strong and do not give into explaining or justifying what you do not want to do (or what you do want to do, for that matter). Once you explain, you are playing their game by their rules. Doing this will not help you feel good about yourself. Actually, it doesn't make you feel too good about the other person, either.
The all-time best Chinese fortune cookie I ever got said this:
"Never explain. Your friends don't need it and your enemies won't believe it."
Wise folks, those Chinese fortune cookie writers.

The Wisdom of the Chinese Fortune Cookie




©Dr. Karen McCleskey, Inc.

T'was the Day After Christmas......

There are many explanations of the history of Boxing Day. (That's the day after Christmas, in case this is new to you.) The one I like the best says that Boxing Day originated in England as a way to give the servants a day off, plus they received the leftovers of the previous day's feast from their employer in "boxes", hence Boxing Day.

We don't celebrate Boxing Day in America, but if we did, I'd vote for making it a day that YOU take off. Give YOU a day off: a day off from the stress of the holiday season, a day off from giving too much to too many, a day off in which YOU actually put YOUrself first, a day where YOU do exactly what YOU want to do. Sounds kind of radical, doesn't it? For many folks, it IS a radical idea because taking of themselves is something they've never really done.

We both know that some folks will label this "radical" behavior as selfish. The ones who tell you you're selfish are most likely to be the ones who are inconvenienced by YOU taking care of yourself first for a change.

Maybe someday we'll adopt Boxing Day as a holiday here, but until we do, here's what I really hope you'll do: write Boxing Day in big letters on your calendar and then write this: DAY FOR ME. YOU deserve it.

Karen

Returning to full time private practice

To those of you who don't know yet, I made the decision to resign from my full time teaching position and I've returned to working for myself full time again. I've been reading and re-reading TONS of business and marketing books. Since this is the 21st century, guess what all of them urge folks to do?
You guessed it: blog.

So,.... I'm blogging. I promise that my posts will be professional, informative, and hopefully, a bit entertaining.

I'll keep you "posted".

Karen